I always felt that that time together was kind of the Velcro. That all that time that we spent together cannot be undone.

Adrian had a stroke while his partner was pregnant with Eve, who is now a teenager. Together, they reflect on how the stroke has influenced their family life.

This conversation explores some of the challenges of managing recovery alongside parenting and how their family has adapted over the years. Eve also shares her unique insights on growing up knowing her father had a stroke before she was born and how it shaped her perspective.

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Transcript 

Simone: Can I start with you Ade? Can I ask the question to kind of give it some context. So, you had your stroke 16, are we 16 years ago? Konnie, was how many weeks pregnant at the time of your stroke? So Eve was on the way. She was on the way. And not far away. After your stroke, what went through your mind in terms of that sort of immediacy of, you know, we're about to start a family?

Adrian: Well, you can't put it back in. So we were going to be parents regardless.

But Konnie was really good in that I said to her, I don't know how long I’m gonna be here, but however long I'm going to be here, you know, I can't be involved in parenting classes or, you know, any of that kind of jazz.

I just need to get as well as I can so I can get out of here. And I can't focus on that lump in your tummy for now. I'm going to focus on me. And Konnie said, you do what you need to. And I did.

It kind of sounds greedy, but it was for the greater good because I needed to get out. I mean, when I had my stroke, Eve was at most 11 weeks away, so I had 11 weeks to recover from a stroke, have major heart surgery, and then get out of hospital. And I did it in nine and a half.

And I wasn't allowed to be in the birthing suite because I still had dressings. I was an infection risk because I still had dressings on my, my wound from heart surgery. And, you know, this was all just part and parcel of ... this is life now.

It's all a bit weird, but you just go with the flow. And so they brought Eve out to me. This little, you know, lump in cloth and, and I put her in my arms and I said to Eve. And I thought this all the way along. It's about you now, you know, I'm here, I'm out of hospital. I can walk again, I can talk, I can kind of look after myself and all the way through, and even, you know,

16 years later, I've always felt that whatever has happened to me is going to have enough of an impact. And that kid deserves to live as best a life as she can without a dad who is angry and depressed and doesn't have a job and is pissed off at the world.

And so I had to do as best a job on me so that I could be as best a parent I could for that little girl so that she could grow up with all the opportunities any other kid would get.

And that takes a lot of physical rehabilitation, but a lot of mental toughness, mental adaptability, flexibility, love to, and acceptance to be able to get to where we are, where I don't, you know, I have a job. I'm not depressed. I'm a pretty happy guy and the impacts of stroke I've tried to kind of keep that genie in the bottle as much as I can, but I can't always.

Simone: What I'm hearing is that it did sort of put pressure on you, though, to, you know, you really don't have much time to drop the ball on anything. You've just got to be focused and strong. And you had a real goal, I guess, or a real reason to do that, though.

Adrian: There was no time. I mean, I know in the stroke community a lot of people talk about grief. I was too busy with other stuff to grieve. In some ways that allowed me to sidestep grief completely and get on to, wow, I got parenting on the way. So I've got stuff to do.

And even when Eve was born, there was a lot of we've got a new kid and we've got outpatient rehabilitation, I've got physio, I've got OT, I've got to see rehabilitation specialist, blah, blah, blah. All this stuff that we've got to do. There was no spare time for sitting and moping around and like, like her, me sitting going mmm mmm sucking my thumb. I didn't have any time for any of that.

And jokingly, I've said this for 16 ... if you’re thinking about having a stroke, have it at 34, couple of weeks out from parenthood, because it's the best time to do it. I mean, I shouldn't laugh about stroke, but really there was, there was so much going on that there wasn't a lot of, as you said Sim, there wasn’t a lot of wriggle room to fuss around.

Simone: And I know it's obviously you can't really sort of think about how it could have been, but do you feel like that would have been different had Eve had been 3 or 4 years old? Do you feel like that still would have had that same sense of I can't muck around, got a child, I need to be my best self and get going so that she has a good life?

Do you feel like that's part of your personality anyway?

Adrian: I think I would have always wanted to be the best I could so that that kid could lessen the impact. It's nice that Eve only ever knows me as me. There's no dad used to do this, but now he can’t. And you know, Dad is just dad and I kind of like that. I mean, that kind of softened the blow for me that there was there was no sense of loss for her because I'm just, I'm just dad. I'm not dad before and dad after, which it makes it easier for me to be me when there's no sense of loss or sadness or regret that what I used to do with Eve I can't do anymore because of my stroke, because she never knew that.

She only ever knows me as me.

Simone: Yeah, and that was the next question I have for you Eve, is that you've only ever known dad after having a stroke. And how has that been for you?

Eve: I actually get asked this a lot by friends, to be honest. And people always go, they ask you this question. I go, it's just, it's just a normal for me. Like dad was always just dad had a stroke. But then again, it was never really like a negative thing for me because it was just sort of it was, it was the normal.

So when people go, oh, what do you mean your dad can't drive? Which is kind of like ... we always had our alternatives and they weren't really something like, oh, like I'm have to do this instead of doing that. It was always just kind of like a dad and Eve thing because it's like, yeah, because, because of his stroke it just meant that we had different ways of doing things compared to me and my mum because of his stroke. But I never saw it as a negative thing. It was just the way it was.

Simone: Yes, that's what I'm hearing. It sounds like it was almost a way that you bonded in a really unique way together. Would that be fair to say? Like that it's kind of it's different to mum. So it's almost not that it's better or worse, but it's just a unique way of you and dad. Yeah, okay.

And I'm going to touch back on the friendship thing. Has that been throughout your whole life that you've experienced this? Like, how come your dad can't drive?

Or maybe they meet your dad and they see perhaps his arm in it's gear? Ade? Yes.

Eve: It's always been a thing throughout my life when my friends they'd meet my dad. And it's always like, as I grew up, obviously, like the questions I'd get always changed.

Like when I was younger, it was always kind of just like, oh did Dad broke his arm or something like that? I'd have to explain oh no no, he's had a stroke. But when you're young, obviously like me, myself personally as well when I was young, of course I knew that there was something, not, I wouldn't say wrong with dad, but dad was different.

As I grew up and the questions would change and the understanding too, with friends as well. You know, when you're five or six, your friends don't really understand what, they probably don't even know what a stroke is.

Another thing I notice as well, when I told my friends, oh, my dad's had a stroke, they'd say things like, oh yeah, my grandfather had a stroke too, or something. It was never, I'd have to say oh no, no, no, it's not. It's not, he has had a like, not like temporary. It's permanent all throughout my life. And they're always kind of like oh like how is that possible?

I would always just be like it's, it's not the same as your grandfather. It's chronic and stuff like that. And so yeah I guess as I grew up yeah. Questions changed. Understanding with friends changed. I still honestly get asked, oh, has your dad done something to his arm? Like it's always the arm because of the cast.

Simone: And is that frustrating having to sort of explain all the time, or is it just something again that you've got used to in you've got your kind of lines down that that you know what works well.

Eve: I haven't really found it frustrating. I found it different actually. I wouldn't say, oh yeah I like telling everyone my dad had a stroke. I dont't go boasting around at school saying dad had a stroke. But it was just kind of like if it came up in topical conversation, it was just kind of like something that you could explain and it gave people understanding.

I think it's a good thing to give people understanding and stigma and stuff like that. It would be good to talk to people about it.

Simone: And what about what is different? And you talked about you and your dad have this kind of way of doing things. What are the key things I think that maybe are different to what you and your mum do or what perhaps other other friends might do with their mum or dad's.

Eve: The one and the one thing that comes to my mind, this is probably when we used to have our daddy daughter days, so back in preschool and we're going way back.

We would catch the train to the city and we'd spend our day in the city and it's a normal thing. I guess it is a normal thing. But I guess always there was just like it was that's the one thing I think of when I think of dad. And also yeah, you go.

Adrian: Sorry, you need to explain that's because I didn't work, when I don't work full time.

Eve: Oh yeah. Sorry, dad didn't work full time. So he'd have the time to go and take me out of preschool for a day and we'd go off and do our things. And it was also things like not everyone's dad would take their daughter, fly them to Melbourne for a day just for an interview for the Stroke ...Not for me, for him, obviously for interview the Stroke Foundation, or just interviews in general.

Like when you go to YouTube and stuff like that and there's videos of you and you're  probably like three or four with your dad being asked about his stroke and you're completely oblivious playing with Lego in the background.

It's just, I guess things like that, they're very different from my friends experience with their parents. But it's not a it's not a negative difference.

Adrian: I remember it was on a daddy daughter day and it was school holidays, it was a hot day. We'd just walked out the front gate. One thing, glass half full. I mean, sorry, the glass is empty, but the glass is half full always.

I was a tradesman and I used to drive a ute and then I didn't when I had a stroke. But I worked tradesmen hours. So I would have been the one and I was the one that would pick Eve up from after school care.

And, you know, if I drove, I'd chuck her in the car, we'd drive home. We wouldn't talk to each other. We'd get out and we'd be home.

But Eve and I have walked to and from school, to and from places literally thousands of times. And I always felt that that was a good thing. I mean, I didn't, it always hurt me, a two and a half year old walking home in the rain. I will never, never be comfortable with that.

I remember one time running home and Eve taking her school shoe off and pouring the water out of her school shoe.

But I always felt that that time together was kind of the Velcro. That was the glue. You can't ... that all that time that we spent together cannot be undone.

And that was again, a nice thing about our circumstances was that walking, where we walked home from school there'd always be after rain, there'd be millipedes and we'd count millipedes.

You remember that? Yeah. And Eve said on this particular day, I don't mind that you don't drive dad because we walk and we talk. You were about nine years old and you said, and I'd never told you this, I just thought you said and I, you know, I almost melted into the into the sidewalk crying because you said exactly what I thought, which is that all that walking and talking is good time. And I thought that that was brilliant, that you thought and could see the good that I could see.

Eve: The moment you started speaking  I knew you were going to mention that.

Adrian: Well, I'll never forget it. I mean, I will never forget it.

Simone: You know, the stroke has taken away a lot, but it's also given you some opportunities that you wouldn't necessarily had.

What's been the toughest thing for both of you?

Adrian: You know, I don't look particularly disabled because I'm not particularly disabled. You can't see my hemianopia. I mean, I have a hand that doesn't work very well. My walking is pretty bloody good. I'm not particularly disabled, but I'm massively inconvenienced.

Stroke has cost me my independence because I can't drive. You know, so it cost me a career that I loved. Horticulture was my passion, but it was my career and it's everywhere.

I mean, when you go home from work Sim, you're not in the stroke world. But I can look outside at the garden or when I walk the dogs, nature is everywhere and that's what I love. And so I've lost a career, that doesn't sit well with me at all. And I've lost my independence.

Not being able to drive affects me, but it affects Eve and Konnie as well because it affects my earning capacity. Stroke has cost me hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and thousands of dollars in lost income, which means, you know, we don't have fancy holidays. Not that we live a bad life, but there's not that fat in our budget that we can think about extravagance because there's not a lot of room for extravagance. And that's unfortunate.

I can live with it, but it means that, you know, there's an opportunity cost. Whatever dreams you might have had for yourself or your family, the horizon comes a bit closer and not being able to drive for me is cruel. That's the only want I can put it.

Simone: And Eve have you had anything come to you around what has been tough?

Eve: I thought of one. I wouldn't say it's particularly tough. I remember, I feel like I was about three. We were at the hospital and you were getting an MRI. And I remember being shit scared. I was like, no, no, daddy don't go in, don't go in. Because when you're three, you don't, you know, you don't know what an MRI is. You don't know what this is. The hospital is a bad place and you don't want to be in the hospital.

And so I remember they're getting the MRI scan, I was like, no, no, no, don't go.

Adrian: Don't go in the tunnel. I remember that.

Eve: I was terrified. Even like in recent coming years, whenever dads at the hospital, I guess it ... I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but it always was a bit of a worry. Like you don't want dad in the hospital. In emergency I guess, not in the hospital. In emergency would be the, I guess tough times.

Simone: Yeah. How do you feel like that sort of being exposed to some parts of your dad's recovery has influenced you?

Eve: I would say it makes it makes you feel different, but not in a bad different. I feel like seeing dad in these areas, not even just in the hospital scenarios, like when he's working, Singapore. When he goes to Melbourne, you know when he goes to Melbourne he's either seeing his friend or he's doing something to do with stroke.

And I feel like the fact that that made use of a bad situation is, it is influential on me personally. I don't want a career in medical, anywhere medical.

But to see like dad like he'll go to Melbourne like once every couple of months and it's just, good on him.

Simone: You're kind of inspired that he's taken a bad situation and he's done some good.

Eve: Yeah.

Simone: From it, yeah.

Adrian: If you could wave a magic wand, what would you change?

Eve: It sounds cliché ... nothing because, you know, I could say, okay, if I had a magic wand that will go stroke be gone. It would be good for you. But then for me, it's ... Normal.

It'd be unnormal, it would be like, you know, it'd be like dad going from stroke, the normal dad, to dad not having stroke. And even then it doesn't just impact me, I guess it would impact you. Without your stroke you would have lost all these connections that you made through stroke.

And you know that might be good for you, because oh yay if you didn't have a stroke you wouldn't be in this situation. But then again, it's like I don't really have remorse.

Adrian: It's a good ... there's good people in this in this stroke world and I know a lot of them. And that's a good thing.

Eve: Yeah, I don't really have any regret. I can't have regret because I would have had to know you prior to stroke in order to have regret.

Simone: Have you ever experienced a sort of maybe the negative side of the stroke and really like felt that sense of empathy for your dad and I think you said, you know, you can take it away if you could, but at the same time it would be beneficial more to him than you because that's all you've ever known.

Is there any times where you've really sort of just looked on and thought, you know, I know Ade you often will say bloody stroke.  Is there any times where you felt like that, Eve?

Eve: I think the mental health aspect, there have been times, especially August I guess every that stroke day for you whenever you get your stroke

I feel a sense of, not guilt, guilt isn't the right word. I feel a sense of empathy because it is obviously there are times you're not happy with your situation, but I guess I don't really ever see that, understandably.

But even then, just that one time of the year, I always feel like a sense of empathy because I don't know. You become very mellow, I feel is the right word.

You talk about it and I feel like, you know, you always talk about, I'm doing this for stroke, I'm doing that for stroke, or this is happening, that is happening, the good things.

But I feel like you never actually, like really touch based on the fact that you did receive great loss from stroke. You know, despite all the good that has happened, you know, that obviously is one that did happen which was stroke.

Simone: When you see other people in you know, when you're out in the public that may have a disability of some sort, do you feel like having dad you know, who has got a disability and even though Ade, you said, you know, you feel like it hasn't impacted you too much from that sort of physical side, do you see other people with disability in a different light?

Eve: It really depends. I guess it really depends first on the disability that they have. Like obviously if it's intellectual, I do obviously see on a different scale. Sometimes when I see some people, whether it be disability or just like even injury, let's just say anything such as just something negative that's impacting others physically or mentally or whatever.

I guess in comparison to my dad, I guess dad's been very resilient with it all. Whereas sometimes I see people who just sit, and as dad says a lot, sit there and just oh this has happened to me like, you know.

Whereas I feel like dad got his stroke, and as he said before, you know, didn't have time to really mourn. And I guess and so not everyone who has, you know, faced disability has taken use of it. You can't really make use of stroke, I guess. But he's made the most of it, whether it be connections, you know, Stroke Foundation, going to Melbourne speaking to people, doing this, doing that. He's made good use of a really bad situation.

I think that's what sets him apart from many other people who face disability. I mean that in a non boastful way as well.

Adrian: What I would say about it from what I've observed is that you're a softie and you're curious about suffering. I remember you and I watching and speaking at length about Employable Me on the ABC, about people with disability trying to get a job.

And the other one, I can't think of them on the program again on ABC about dating.

Eve: Love on the Spectrum.

Adrian: We had long conversations about both of those programs because you are a softie and you are curious and you are empathetic, you're not sympathetic. And I think that's admirable. I think that disability has given you an advantage compared to your peers because you see life through a different lens.

Eve: I agree.

Simone: And in terms of education around stroke, Eve you said, you know, friends throughout the years have asked what's wrong with dad or why can't he drive or what's wrong with his arm? And so you've had to obviously educate people about stroke.

Ade, how much education did you give Eve? And when and what did that look like?

Adrian: From the get go. I remember on a Sunday night I'd get my pills for the week and we'd do a counting game together.

So you know, I'd get them out and Eve would count.

Eve: We had this octagon pill capsule, and I loved to flip the flaps open. Put this one here.

Adrian: Yeah. So there was 28 pills to be sorted and you know so we'd do a week of blood pressure in the morning, anti-stroke in the evening. And so Eve's learning to count was through that, through pills. Yeah.

Simone: Wow.

Adrian: And whatever, you know, I've never hidden anything and I've made it, you know, educate myself because I'm the youngest of a big family, you know, nine kids. And I always found it really frustrating as the youngest to ask a reasonable question and be fobbed off.

So I always made it a point to, if you ask me a decent question, I'll give you a decent answer. And so if Eve ever had questions and they were reasonable, I would always give her a reasonable answer. And for parents that are listening, don't sugarcoat it, because there's no point. You can't, well, I can't hide it. So I would say empower yourself to empower your kids.

Eve: As for me, I agree. Don't sugarcoat it. Even not sugarcoating it, obviously, you know, a five year old isn't going to understand. Okay, you know, this is what happened to the heart and this is what the eyes look like.

To me, quite blatantly, when I was five, I quite literally just believed that cut dad in half and everything on the right was stuffed up. So he used to say to me that half of his eye, you know, blind. I used to quite literally think that he meant that he ... Because he used to use this as the demonstration. I thought that meant that he could only see out of his left eye and just because it made sense to me.

Adrian: For the people that are going to watch this, you need to explain what's going on. I mean I can do it, but I'd be curious. It took Eve years and years and I saw when the penny dropped, when she finally understood because it's a hard concept to understand.

Simone: Very hard.

Adrian: Hemianopia is. But would you like to try and explain it Eve?

Eve: I think this explanation that Dad uses, it's good, I guess to see perspective.

Adrian: So yeah, you got a left and a right image in both eyes. So it's not just left eye sees left and right eye sees right. You get left in both eyes and right in both eyes. And I only get the visual information for the left.

Eve: Yeah.

Adrian: So I see out of both eyes. And I'm blind out of both eyes.

Eve: Yeah.

Adrian: And I remember as a kid like you, you were about six or seven and we'd been talking about it. And I finally, you know, you had that look of "light bulb moment" goes, you know, oh you got it. Because you didn't get it.

Eve: I didn't get it, no. Because then again, when you say when you would say to me that like, you know, you obviously not even just say physical when you look at you and it's the right arm, the right leg, you know, it was just kind of always like the right.

So, you know, learning concepts of stroke from a young age. He'd cut to the chase and there's no point in trying to fabricate the truth. You should just be straightforward, because growing up, then when you obviously, you know, keep asking because, you know, the questions recur.

Adrian: They never stop.

Eve: So it's growing up and you need to ... you know, questions change as you grow, too, because, you know, you get more knowledge about stuff. But coding the question from a young age, you just, it doesn't help because even now, as of last year, I had my elective, we were learning in school about anatomy and so come back talking about cardiovascular and dad would be able to go oh yeah this is what it has to do with stroke. And so I guess, you know, some moments like that, learning about the body and stuff at school as well, when dad would be able finally go, yeah, and this is how the cardiovascular, the blood, this is how it all links up.

Adrian: You were talking about the muscul ... Simone would understand this because she's an OT. Musculoskeletal. So we were talking about the anatomy of the arm, and you know.

Eve: And dad would be like let's talk about this and I'd say okay I get it.

Adrian: But even still so where we're talking to you from this is the desk that I work at and Eve will come and talk to me and stand there and it's like I can't see, you're on the wrong side. And she has to come around to this side so that we can talk to each other. That's why I'm sitting where I'm sitting right now, because if I was, you know, I'd be looking at you and not seeing Eve. So it's still remembering to remember.

Eve: Yeah.

Simone: So that still happens occasionally?

Eve: As I grew up, the questions obviously changed due to aging and just greater knowledge personally. And a five year old isn't going to understand the concept, but they get parts of it, that a 16 year old can ask questions now and have a greater knowledge because just simply because of age. Hence why, yeah. when dad said sugarcoating, I agreed because you know, it prevents more than it benefits.

Adrian: Interesting.

Eve: Yeah.

Adrian: I did alright.

Simone: You did. And I have to say Ade does know his anatomy. So you've got a really good helper with any of those subjects Eve. And I think, though, it shows the importance Ade of health professionals educating patients and people after stroke so that you are able to also pass that on to your family and friends.

You didn't have a really clear understanding about what a hemianopia is and many people don't in the early stages. You wouldn't have been able to share that information with Eve for her to really understand ahhh okay I get it, it's the both eyes.

Adrian: I think also, you know, young stroke survivors, you're going to have this you know, I was 34, I'm 50 now. I hope I live til 80ish. So there's you know, there's 46 years of living with something. You might as well invest in it.

And you might as well take the time to know because it's in your own self interest and it's in your own self efficacy. When I turn up at the hospital, I don't say hello I'm Adrian O'Malley. I go 8132658 because it's my medical record number I wore it on this wrist for ten weeks. I know it so it just you turn up and you give emergency MRN things happen a lot faster.

Simone: They know you mean business.

Adrian: Yeah they know I mean business. And I genuinely mean this for younger survivors of stroke, this is going to be part of your life for the next 30, 40, 50 years. Invest in it. It's in your own interest.

Simone: And things that you had to Ade or how you had to adjust, particularly when Eve was small. I know that you've talked to me in the past about how you wanted to work with the occupational therapist on a particular parenting goal, and well they didn't want to work on it with you. They didn't see that that was something maybe safe or something they could with. Can you talk a little bit about that really new sort of born phase or the baby years? How did you navigate that so that you could be as involved as possible?

Eve: The first thing I thought of was when you were bushwalking chucking me in the backpack. That's the first thing I thought of.

Adrian: Konnie was pretty trustful. I didn't use a pram and this kind of answers the question does it, because I couldn't use a pram because I couldn't use two arms. And I never dropped you on your head. No, in all seriousness. Like, there is an inherent risk in me putting a child in a backpack for a bloke who doesn't walk as well as they could.

But so in terms of adapting, becoming a parent is is a massive adaptation anyway. So my body as it was then was my new body. So it was just ...

Eve: Adapting to two things at once.

Adrian: Yeah. Yeah that's right Eve. Once she started to move, the dynamics changed a bit. But that's gonna happen and you're going to have to adapt. Everything had to be on the left basically for me and remove hazards around the house for me.

So she had rugs, you know the rugs you put kids down on, Rugs, as you would know Simone, for people with stroke, you know, they're a death trap. I had a fall a couple of months back and I broke two ribs because of a rug. Rugs don't agree with me. But that's what you put a kid on on the floor.

So I guess it was accepting the risk and going with it anyway. I remember picking Eve up from early childhood, you know, it's like, you know, the twos and threes and fours ages and that's when I first had Botox. As soon as she could walk, I got her out of the backpack and right you can walk kid. I mean, it's only a km or so. Harden up princess.

But it's tiring managing a dog and holding a kid and a school bag or whatever. But that's what you got to do. It was all just going with the flow, accepting what you, what you had to deal with and what, what you can't negotiate, you just can't negotiate. You know.

So carrying Eve around in a backpack was bloody easy for me because if I'm pushing a pram or whatever, I've got no hands, at least I've got one hand when I've got her and she's contained in the backpack.

And you liked it because you are ...

Eve: Up high.

Adrian: You were up high. Yeah.

Simone: So really being adaptable, flexible, problem solving, using all of those skills were really, really essential, particularly in those early young years.

Adrian: Well, it is a long time ago, but I just think, yeah, it was okay, now we've got a baby and a stroke. Whatever. Just go with it and the benefit of timing again was that I was problem solving in real time with the allied health professionals in outpatient.

Okay, I encountering this, what can we do to adapt? You know, what strategies can we think about? So my physio and my OT, you know, I had, I got out of hospital October and I kind of pulled up stumps on outpatient rehabilitation in about March.

I kind of had enough and I think I'd got as far as I could and I'd sucked them dry, I think, of all I could get out of them. Because then I had to get on with life. And life doesn't happen with physios, and OTs and outpatient rehabilitation. Life happens at home and in the workplace and walking your kid and stuff. So I was ready to get on with life.

Simone: Any advice for someone that may be a parent?

Adrian: It's encouraging that Eve says what I thought, which is that don't sugarcoat it. It is your reality. That's right. And acceptance is bloody hard, you know, 16 years later and in 16 years time there'll still be stuff that I will struggle to accept.

Classic example. I accepted very early on that I would not be driving again. And I was struggling to do up my shoelaces and I got the shits. Oh bloody hand, you know, stupid hand. I was getting angry about not being able to do up shoelaces, but I could accept that I was never gonna drive again. Acceptance. It's the long game of stroke I would suggest. When I say that because you're going to be having to deal with and encounter stuff from your 30s, your 40s, your 50s. Then you get old and still, you know, you got more stuff that doesn't work. So I would suggest love your kids, love yourself, work on acceptance because it's tough and it sucks.

Live the life that you want to live, not the life ...  I've always done is. You know, stroke is going to try and elbow into my life as much as it can and be greedy and take over. And I'm always going to push back and go, I still want to bushwalk, I still want to smell flowers, I still want to see rock and roll. I still want to be a parent. I still don't want to be depressed and angry and on a disability support pension.

So there's a lot of work to do all that to keep stroke over here and not all of this. This bit here, rather than all of us.

Simone: So really focusing on what's important and what you do want. I was going to ask how you balance it all. And I think that kind of answers it really.

You have to have that part of your life all those things you love front and center.

Eve any advice for perhaps other children who may have a parent or a young family member that's had a stroke?

Eve: Despite the fact that, you know, I had a very happy childhood, considering the fact that, you know, I was born with dad having a stroke. But I guess a lot of kids have not had the advantage that I had of being born into a life with dad like this. They might have had a parent who has gone from ...

Adrian: kicking the footy.

Eve: Yeah. And, you know, it's, it's okay to not be okay. That's a very overused saying. But that's the first thing that came to mind.

And just not I wouldn't say support as in constantly like dad, dad dad, no. But support as in you're an independent person so you know, whenever mum tries to go "do you need this, do you need that?"  You're just like no I can do it myself.

So supportive from a distance I guess. It also really depends on the person too, you know.

So I guess the advice actually changes depending on the dynamic of a parent, because some parents may need the support of their ... not the support of their child because, you know ...

Adrian: Some might actually.

Eve: Some might. It really does just depends.

Adrian: It's okay for a kid to tap out and go, this is a bit hard and seek advice of a good friend or a professional because your mum or your dad is going to have hard times for the rest of their life. And you're a kid and you're going to, you know, go through life ... Dad might not walk you down the aisle. I can, I get to walk Eve down the aisle because I can walk. But you know those realities are realities and they're really hard.

And don't do it on your own. And don't be Superman or Superwoman. Get yourself the help and support that you need to look after yourself.

Simone: Good advice Ade. And we can share some links to some support services for kids as well as StrokeLine is our national helpline.

I'm gonna end with two questions. One each, you'll get one each. It's the same question. Eve, what are you most proud about your dad?

Eve: Dad making use of a really crap situation. Despite the fact that he was he got stroke, had a child pretty much back to back. He pushed through it. I don't want to use the word push, and ...

Adrian: Persevered.

Eve: Persevered. That's the word. He's made connections. He's got the Stroke Foundation, you know, dad making use of a crappy situation to go out there, speak about things, do interviews like this, rather than mope at home and go oh I have a stroke. Just, he's a doer. And that's not even just with stroke. He's a doer in other aspects of life too. And that, I guess you see it all linked together. Yeah, it's not just stroke where he just perseveres and goes. It's everything else, too. And I think that's a good thing to see consistency within that.

Adrian: Thank you.

Simone: Your turn Ade. What are you most proud of Eve?

Adrian: Lots of things, but she speaks a good truth and that's to be admired. She, as I touched on, she is a softie. And she's curious with the world. And she hasn't, she hasn't shied away. I think that's you know, I don't, I don't recall maybe. Yeah. You going and hiding in a corner and having a cry and being sooky lah lah about stuff, about this stuff.

Look, just like me you've taken it on its terms and you've made it work for you and that's well done kid. And I'm, you know, like we're about to go into year 11 and 12 and you're about to go on with the rest of your life.

As a dad, I can feel comfortable that, you know, if I have another stroke tomorrow, touch wood I won't. And I'm not here anymore, you're going to be okay in the world as you are from what I can see of you. You're going to do okay in the world. And as a dad, I'm comfortable with that.

Eve: That's good to hear.

Simone: Beautiful you guys. I always say I've got the best job in the world Eve because I get to interview people like you and your dad. So, thank you for sharing, being so honest and authentic in everything that you've shared.